Membership Renewal Notice (seven months early)

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Dear Art Museum Member:

We are writing to remind you that your membership to the City Museum of Contemporary Art expires in May. Although that is still seven months away, we thought we’d reach out now to entice you to renew early. That way you can be extra sure that your membership won’t expire due to forgetfulness, and maybe you’ll become so confused about when your membership actually expires that in future years you’ll pay twice.

It may seem pointless for us to solicit your lousy $85 seven months early given that interest rates are close to zero and we have private equity nabobs who regularly give gifts to the museum that exceed $10 million. It’s true: we use the millions from the hedge fund guys and bio-pharma CEOs to fund acquisitions and capital projects, but we need your $85 to pay for the catering at the black-tie parties we hold for our “patron” class members. We apologize that we don’t send you those invitations.

But your membership does entitle you to some great perks! You’ll get a special invitation to the members only preview of the fall’s major one-woman show, Delilah Marquez-Steinberg: Provocations and Outrages, 2002-2013. As always, your membership card scores you a 10% discount at the museum store, which almost makes our heavily-marked-up tschotskes affordable for a schlemiel like you. Plus, we’ve added several other institutions to our reciprocal membership program this year, including the Topeka Museum of Textiles and the Wilmington Museum of Automotive History.

We’ve made it easy to renew online. All of your contact information is actually worth more to us than your cheapskate membership dues, and no matter which boxes you uncheck, you can be sure that we’ll send you irritating emails to the address you provided from now till eternity. (Including, of course, a special opportunity to renew your membership eight months early in 2016.)

Thank you for renewing your membership. We look forward to seeing you try to squeeze through the hordes of flip-flop wearing tourists jostling their way through our galleries this weekend. And of course, we’ll be calling you soon — over and over again — to solicit donations for our annual appeal.

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One thought on “Membership Renewal Notice (seven months early)

  1. Rosalie Siegel

    Nice satire, Eric, MoMA and the Metropolitan are positively hounding us with emails asking us to renew early, telling us that we will therefore get a tax deduction for 2015, etc. etc. I am sorry they ever got our email addresses. It is beyond ridiculous and no, we are not renewing early.

    Reply

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